By now, I’m sure all of you have heard about the controversy surrounding Melania Trump’s speech at the Republican National Convention, which, as countless memes and articles have pointed out, bears something of a more than passing resemblance to a Michelle Obama speech from some year that I don’t feel like Googling right now.

But, Melania, stay sweet, girl. I feel you.

Tonight, I will give my speech at the Republican National Convention.

I know, I know, you might not have heard about this. Perhaps this is because the Trump people or the RNC have wanted to keep my appearance hush-hush, perhaps this is because I’m trying to avoid my stalker, Caitlin Jenner, er, I mean, Kim Kardashian, from finding out my location and once again trying to win me back with several dozen roses and a serenade of that one song by Celine Dion that’s named something about the Titanic but that I don’t feel like Googling right now. Or maybe it’s because this is something that I’ve completely imagined while on a sugar trip from eating too many Skittles. I don’t know. Perhaps we’ll never know.

Either way, the fact of the matter is, because as we’ve seen, facts rarely matter, that I will be delivering a speech at the RNC tonight.

And the other fact of the matter is, I am going to give you a sneak preview of that speech right now.
I’ve fully vetted this and it’s ready to go. And I think you’ll find it at least as engaging as Melania’s. No offense, Melania, but, get ready to be served . . .

Greetings and salutations, people of earth! Nanu nanu!

Well, here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever known. Like a drifter, I was born, to walk alone.

But, I know what it means, to walk along a lonely street of dreams.

But, we can’t stop. And we won’t stop.

And so, here I am, to hit you like a wrecking ball and rock you like a hurricane!

Four score and seven years ago, we found these truths to be self evident — that all men are created equal, that the Seether is Louise, that the last season of “Lost” was terrible and that Barack is absolutely not a German dessert item. It was one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. And with great power comes great responsibility. Because you gotta have faith. Yeah, you gotta have faith.

I have a dream… And now we’re sharing the same dream, and two hearts will beat as one, no more love on the run. I blame it on the rain, but I want to dance with somebody, I want to feel the heat with somebody.

I’m never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you.

I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna get me down.
I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never gonna get me down.

Panda.

And so, in conclusion, I certainly must say, don’t worry, be happy, Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who claims that I am the one. Also, y’all might give good speeches but Beyoncé gives the best speeches ever, and ich bin ein Berliner!

I’ll bet you knew I was trouble when I walked in, but I hope there’s no bad blood, because when it comes time to vote in the fall, you’ve got a blank space, baby, and you can write my name.

Thank you for your support. Bazinga!
(Drop mic.)

Copyright 2016 Sean Leary / for more writing see www.seanleary.com

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Sean Leary Director of Digital Media

Sean Leary is an author, director, artist, musician, producer and entrepreneur who has been writing professionally since debuting at age 11 in the pages of the Comics Buyers Guide. An honors graduate of the University of Southern California masters program, he has written over 50 books including the best-sellers The Arimathean, Every Number is Lucky to Someone and We Are All Characters.