The Time Traveler From 2714 Offers His Predictions For 2023!
It’s the end of the year as we know it, and, so far, we feel fine.
But will we still feel fine in 2023???
The Time Traveler from 2714 knows!
Or, well, pretends that he knows!
The Time Traveler from 2714 is back on TikTok, and is back making predictions for the new year. And, despite his track record being dubious, it hasn’t stopped me, and many others, from being amused and intrigued by his b*llshit posts.
As regular readers of this column know, I love reading about time travel, and the predictions of alleged time travelers. And while my all-time favorite is the legendary John Titor, one of my current favorites is a guy on TikTok who has gone by various names as he’s morphed his account. Currently he goes by the handle Aery Yormany, @aesthetictimewarper, and as he claims on his page, “I am back, I now travel to the past to unveil the truth.”
Would you buy a used time machine from this guy?
And you couldn’t warn us about this sub-zero weather? Couldn’t you at least have hinted that we’d need parkas??? C’mon now, Aery!
While Aery might have brain farted about that important stuff though, he has a whole new crop of predictions for us in his latest posts.
Here are some of the predictions for the new year! That’s right, right here:
In 2023, one of the Mars rovers discovers human bones on the planet, making people question whether we’re actually from Mars and came to earth long ago. Plausible. Also somewhere Beavis and Butt-Head are laughing, saying “you said bones.”
Little late on these, buddy.
By early summer, a “free energy source” will be discovered and will revolutionize the world. Yeah, good luck getting that by the oil companies. Haven’t you ever read about orgone, Aery??? Sheesh…
By the end of summer, a “very famous music artist” will come out as alive, saying they faked their death, and will become even more famous than before. Because, well, faking your death can do that for ya. My money is on Michael Jackson. Not literally. I don’t visit him at the strip club.
In fall 2023, the government finally reveals that the pyramids were built by aliens, and that actually all of the “gods” of the old testament and other religious books were actually aliens that people worshiped due to their advanced technology.
Now this I find plausible, because I’ve watched a lot of “Ancient Aliens”…
He also said that in two months, he’s going to be taking 10 random people with him to the year 2714. Hmmm… we’ll return to this.
Here’s one more:
That’s right, three teenagers are going to discover dinosaur eggs and somehow those are going to end up opening portals to a new universe when they crack them open to make an omelette and some avocado toast.
Now, of course, at this point, you might be saying, “Sean??!!!??? Sweatpants AGAIN??? You’re wearing sweatpants AGAIN???”
And I’d answer, no, they’re track pants. There is a difference. But they’re both very comfortable.
Then I’d also say, hey, I get it, you’re reading this column and thinking, “Oh boy… TIME TRAVELERS???”
Of course, I understand your skepticism. There’s been a long history of people claiming to be time travelers. And there’s been an even longer history of people just being full of crap.
Oddly enough, the Venn diagram between the two is almost an identical shadow of two circles.
Certainly, there are maybe one or two instances that have made me, and others, go “hmmmm.”
But most of them have made me, and others, go, “Oh geez, this is friggin’ baloney.”
One of the most infamous of these among the bologna category was the aforementioned John Titor.
Now, back in the ‘90s and up to the mid-2000s, one of the most famous radio shows in the country (back when people actually listened to the radio in large numbers) was the Coast To Coast AM Show, hosted by Art Bell.
Art Bell: King of Late Night Media, Archduke of Lunatic Bullshit.
I absolutely loved this show. I used to work late nights at the newspaper back in the ’90s and ’00s, and I listened to Art’s astonishing and often hilarious program every night. Art was everything you would want in a host of a show of this nature, he was sort of an odd and interesting character himself, and would expertly walk the line between cynical and incredulous when he interviewed a vast array of guests, everyone from people claiming to be alien abductees to people claiming to have caught werewolves to the occasional time traveler.
In fact, Bell was so into the whole time travel idea that he would, from time to time (pun intended) open up a phone line specifically for time travelers.
During many Bell shows, he dove into the stories of a mysterious character claiming his name was John Titor, which was actually a name thought to be short for “John TimeTraveler” that was used on several bulletin boards during 2000 and 2001 by a poster claiming to be an American military time traveler from 2036.
John Titor’s alleged time travel device. Also makes toast and can chop onions like a charm!
Titor made several incredible claims, including that he was here to help save the world from the Y2K bug, and that he was here to warn us
about several calamities, including a nuclear war, mass famines, and the thriving career of Justin Bieber.
Of course, none of them came true, and it was later surmised that Titor was a hoax perpetrated by a couple of lawyers from Florida who were just goofing around.
After all, many of his predictions thusfar have either not come true (he either ignores these or says that the timeline was changed) or are so obvious as to be along the lines of “the sun will rise tomorrow,” such as him pointing to the fact that three months ago, he said we would hit one million cases of covid in one day, and we did.
But in a time when there’s far more dangerous BS out there that people are believing, it’s fun to just be able to enjoy some good old harmless BS again. It’s kind of refreshing to see something that’s so blatantly phony and conspiratorial, yet pretty imaginative, that you have to be a complete dumbass to regard it as anything other than entertainment.
Of course, it’s a good thing there are so few of those left in the world.
Come to think of it, hey, time traveler, I’ve got some candidates for you to take with you when you leave…
