1. Whether or not you “believe in” allergies to peanuts, chocolate, or whatever, is irrelevant. Shut the fuck up about it if a kid says they have one. Have a couple different varieties of candy to give out to kids, including Starbursts and Skittles, which I don’t think have any potential allergens in them, and which most kids love anyway.

2. It doesn’t matter if a kid is shy, autistic, quiet or is just rude. Don’t be that douchebag that makes them say “Trick or Treat” or withhold candy until they do. And if the kid’s shy, or autistic, or has a hard time in social situations, it’s taking them a LOT of courage to go door-to-door to enjoy the holiday, and I admire the hell out of them for it. Give them some kudos, not condemnation.

3. Along those same lines, don’t be giving kids scowls about them not saying “thank you.” Kids, especially under 10, are largely the products of their upbringing and environment in regard to their behavior, so it’s not the kid’s fault if they haven’t been taught to say “thank you.” On the other hand, you are an adult, who can’t blame their upbringing and should take responsibility for your own behavior, and exhibit better manners and judgement. So shut your fuckin’ cakehole and leave your “entitlement” speeches to when you’re on your second scotch watching “Hannity.”

4. Nobody cares if you don’t like a kid’s costume or don’t agree with something about it or you’re offended by it. I get it, some costumes are culturally offensive. I AGREE. And if you see ADULTS wearing them, say what you want or whatever. But if it’s a kid, save the lectures. They’re kids. They don’t see the offense, nor do they care if they want to be a little blonde white girl in a Princess Jasmine costume or an Asian boy in a Superman costume or an African-American girl being Star Lord or a Native American Princess or whatever. And this isn’t “a teachable moment.” They’re little kids having fun playing imaginary characters that they think are cool. Let ’em have their fun. Then, if you truly must, go on your Facebook and complain about it where they don’t have to hear you.

5. If the kids are teenagers, or don’t really have “costumes” per se, and are just going around looking to get some candy, just give ’em the damn candy and chill. There’s a popular meme going around that says that if older kids are out trick-or-treating they’re making the decision to do that instead of getting drunk or partying or whatever. They’re engaging in harmless fun and holding on to their childhood, which advertisers and social media companies and giant corporations are so desperately trying to take from them so they can turn them into dutiful consumers, and if they want to hold on to that childhood and engage in a fun holiday tradition, let them.

And that really folds into the overarching theme of this entire list: Let the kids have fun. Leave your bullshit behind your door. When kids show up, let them have this joy, let them have this memory. The world has pretty much sucked ass over the last two years, and these kids have had a horrible time of it in school with masks and covid protocols and all this other bullshit. JUST LET THEM HAVE SOME FUN.

And maybe, JUST MAYBE, if you leave all that other bullshit behind, YOU might just have some fun too.

Happy Halloween!