Scariest Costumes In Illinois And Iowa? Find A One-Of-A-Kind Halloween Costume This Year!
Michael Myers.
Jason.
Leatherface.
Those are three of the most popular Halloween costumes of all time. Although none of them are as frightening as gas prices, which would be the most terrifying costume of all this year.
Yes, it’s that time of year again: Oct. 21. Comes around every year after Oct. 20, right before Oct. 22.
And, it’s right before Halloween, when everyone is looking for that one-of-a-kind costume that either scares the crap out of everyone, makes everyone smile, or shows off an incredible amount of skin so that when you post selfies on social media, it makes your ex really jealous.
But, say you don’t care about any of those things.
Say you want a truly unique outfit.
Well, if you’re looking for a distinctly original costume, you could check out my own line of Sean Leary Spooky Suits (TM). Each of my bone-chilling outfits is based on a frightening creature of my own creation, unlike anything else out there!
Take a gander at these bad boys:
“The Wolf Guy”: This fuzzy outfit is a big hit! Not to be confused with “The Wolf Man,” the legend of “The Wolf Guy” says that there’s this dude walking around during a full moon, and he gets bitten by Sy Sperling, the owner/client of the Hair Club For Men. After that, during every full moon, this guy grows outrageous hair all over his body, making him look like a wolf! In his sadness, he also tends to howl. Pretty scary, huh?
Halloween will certainly look different this year because of Covid-19.
“The Body-Part Monster”: Cloning, schmoning — if the Christian right really wants people to be turned off by the inhumanity of science, they need people to get a load of this guy, who is not in any way based on “The Frankenstein Monster.” A mad scientist/very lonely geek, tired of spending Saturday nights alone with his cats and online pornography, has pieced together a companion from body parts he’s pilfered from the local cemetery. Why? In hope that with two people scanning the Web, he’ll be able to find much more and better online pornography. However, the Body-Part Monster is having none of that. Disgusted by his creator’s perversion, and frustrated by the lack of XXX sites featuring “Hot Cadaver-Constructed Females!,” he has decided to run amok, leaving destruction in his wake.
“The Blood-Sucking Transylvanian”: Nope, it’s not “Dracula.” Instead, the Blood-Sucking Transylvanian, fresh in America from the old country, really likes duck’s blood soup and extra-rare steaks. But with all the mad-cow disease and various blood diseases, he can’t find his favorite dishes at restaurants. So he skulks about the darkness in his black-and-red cape (it gets cold at night, ya know?) searching for an all-night diner, angry from hunger and bad dentistry, which has given him strange fangs. Don’t rile him up, or he might bite you in the neck!
“The Spirit Being”: Sure, it might just look like somebody hiding under a white sheet, but it’s actually a being from “the great beyond,” that next-dimensional realm beyond death and beyond life, but apparently not quite beyond Kanye West off his meds.
Kanye West. Psychoanalyst costume sold separately.
“Angry Hockey Mask Guy”: Better not mess with him — he’ll put you in the penalty box for good! Angry Hockey Mask Guy is very disturbed because his team refused to flip the bill to get his ordinary white hockey mask painted with a funky design like all the other professional goalies. In fact, he’s so mad that he’s decided to go on a killing spree with his Giant Machete TM (sold separately) and Giant Chainsaw TM (also sold separately).
“The Mauve Dragon”: No, it’s not the name of a gay bar, it’s a costume that’s really, really popular with the kids. You see, it’s a giant, cuddly reptile with mauve and lime skin, a tubby belly and big feet, who sings annoyingly simplistic songs and speaks like a goofy cross between Gomer Pyle and Barney Rubble. The Mauve Dragon also wears a button that says “I’m not Barney! I am my own, unique creation and I ask you to respect my right to a sovereign existence.” OK, so it’s a big button.
Oh yeah, and he also wears Groucho glasses.
So there you have them: Sean Leary Spooky Suits, 100 percent original outfits created for the discerning 8-year-old looking to get tons of trick-or-treat candy.
You’ll find them in a costume shop near you. Right near my outfit for this year, the Jeffrey Epstein, who, by the way, still didn’t kill himself.
