FINALLY! YOU Get To Learn About The Iowa And Illinois Events That Are TOO HOT For TV!
I saw an ad for something on TV recently that said it was “Too hot for TV!!!”
Which was interesting, because, as I said, I saw the ad on TV.
I wonder where that line is drawn? I mean, where is that particular thermostat that makes something “too hot for TV,” or “too hot for (whatever)?”
Dave Chappelle did a comedy bit where he was talking about a podcaster saying he refused to comment on the R. Kelly mess because she claimed that Dave said that it, too, was “too hot for TV!”
Dave said that he never said that, and then he made a bunch of jokes about trans people that got him canceled, but he still never answered that question, that all-important question of what makes something too hot for TV?
Maybe I’ll never know. And by the time I do, people won’t be watching TV anyway, we’ll be entertained by hologram chips or something. Who knows?
But while I may not know what’s too hot for TV, I do know what’s too hot for our own website and entertainment calendar. Or at least too inappropriate, or just not quite there.
Every week, we provide you with a huge calendar of activities that will take place in the Quad-Cities area over the coming week. Because we love you. And because it’s our job … to love you. (The preceding sentence was written in tribute to the late Luther Vandross.)
However, some calendar items we receive don’t make the list. Some are out of the geographic area. Some aren’t really entertainment. And some … well, some just don’t seem to fit in, if you know what I mean.
For those of you who don’t know what I mean, I thought I’d provide a few examples. Following are listings for a few events that floated into our office that didn’t fit our criteria for various reasons:
Kegger at Jason Swanketti’s house: The press release/handwritten flier said, “There’ll be a couple kegs there, and he’s gonna swipe some booze from his parents’ liquor cabinet. The band Merciful Destruction will play (bein’ that Jason’s buddy Jeremy is the lead guitarist), and there’ll also be some savory hotties there. Cover is $5. Park a block down the street so we don’t go gettin’ busted by the cops like last time.”
An exhibit of sad-clown paintings: The show apparently will be joined by an exhibit of children-with-big-eyes paintings, paint-by-number horse-head paintings, a half-used Rainbow Brite sparkle bag set, a clothing sale, a used appliance swap, a chili jamboree and a lemonade stand. Follow the signs that say “Garage Sale” once you get to 22nd Street in Rock Island.
Vandalism Festival: Little Willy McCoy invites fellow sixth-graders to join him in egging and TP-ing that lame-o teacher Mrs. Cratchet’s house from 10 to 10:30 p.m. Friday, or until she bursts from her door with a shotgun again. No reservations needed. Some toilet paper and eggs will be provided, but bring your own if you show up late.
Tina’s Self-Pity Night: On Saturday, Tina is going to hold a gut-wrenching evening of self-pity. It’ll begin just after she burns her microwaved Lean Cuisine lasagna. She’ll move on to a substitute supper of Chunky Monkey ice cream, which will be followed by self-loathing for consuming so many calories, dwelling on past failures, an excruciating hour-long conversation with her mother, and finally, depressing late-night calls and texts to friends. Maybe she’ll sadfish on Facebook a little bit too.
Burnout Appreciation Night: On Saturday, the abandoned parking lot on 11th Street will be home to a Burnout Appreciation Night. Patrons clad in Zeppelin and Dead T-shirts will be admitted for free. A tasty buzz will be had by all. Children under 12 with rat tail haircuts will get a free cigarette. Ok, another free cigarette.
Nudist Club: The Quad-Cities Exhibitionist, Nymphomaniac Nudist Club will hold its annual meeting. Attendees must be both exhibitionists AND nymphomaniacs. Paris Hilton’s ex-boyfriend, Fred Durst and Tommy Lee will be on hand to videotape the evening for posterity and Web site access.
Video screening: The Brookings family will be showing a video of their vacation visit to Peter’s parents in Minnesota, as well as their side trip to check out the largest ball of twine in the northern United States, from 5 to 10 p.m., or until Mrs. Brookings gets a headache, and the kids realize they have must-do physics homework.
Two guys watching TV: On Saturday night, Bob and Rick will be watching some tube and might order a pizza. “We’re hoping an Adam Sandler movie will be on, or something good on Skinimax,” Rick says. Bring your own beverages, and be ready to throw in if a Harris run becomes a reality.
Now THAT might be too hot for TV.
The pizza, I mean. You don’t want to set it on the TV. That could get messy, and destructive.
