Forget Whoopi And Rogan, The Time Traveler From 2485 Is Back With Shocking News!
This week has been an incredibly eventful one.
Neil Young pulled his music from Amazon to protest them exploiting children and using forced child labor in China.
Oh, wait, no, he actually didn’t! He actually told people to go to Amazon and listen to his music there!
Young pulled his music from Spotify, in protest over the Joe Rogan podcast having on guests who espouse controversial theories on covid-19, like, you can catch it from believing CNN when they push fake wars and say that Saddam Hussein has been housing massive caches of weapons of mass destruction. Of course, the real virus spreading most wildly over the week was on social media, where people took to Fakebook and other platforms to criticize Rogan with all of the ferocity and vigor that none of them use to criticize people and media in their own community pushing pseudoscience and bullsh*t theories about covid. Always interesting when people go on Fakebook to slam misinformation, as if Platform Du Zuck hasn’t been the world’s crack dealer for that addictive ignorance.
Anyone remember when people could actually listen to something on a radio show and not just gullibly believe it? I mean, 20 million people used to listen to Art Bell talk to dudes who claimed to be abducted by aliens and married to Bigfoot and somehow we folks in the ’90s could discern that it was dubious. Yet people need to have their mental hands held like little children these days because they’re too stupid to differentiate fact from fiction or do a little actual research if they hear something that could possibly be shaky? I mean, if society keeps dumbing down to this extent, we’re going to do something really stupid and elect a completely unqualified fast-talking con man and reality TV show bozo to the presidency!
But enough about the ShamWow Guy’s 2024 campaign.
Important news coming from the time traveler from 2485…
As for Young, I respect the stand he took, but he probably should’ve quit while he was ahead instead of pushing people to a company that’s getting slammed for using borderline slavery and child labor. Oops!
Speaking of oops, or Whoops, Caryn Johnson, better known to the world as Whoopi Goldberg, a name that manages to culturally appropriate both the Jewish and “The Newlywed Game,” got in trouble for repeatedly saying that the Holocaust wasn’t about race, and the Nazis weren’t persecuting the Jews over racial differences.
I don’t know, maybe I just dreamt that whole thing where Hitler was talking about the Germans being “the master RACE,” and Jews “the inferior RACE.” Was Patrick Duffy taking a shower during that Hitler speech? Were there unicorns around? Was I wearing pants? Maybe I was dreaming it. I don’t know.
I do know, however, that when it comes to cogent and insightful analysis and commentary on world history issues, I often turn to Whoopi Goldberg, so I was very disappointed to find out she actually didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. I guess I’ll have to go back to relying on John Stamos.
Anyway, now that we’ve got those two MAJOR STORIES out of the way, let’s get to something that’s REALLY world-shaking. That’s right — the return of the time traveler from 2485!!!
Regular readers of this column (Hi Mom!!!) will recall that I’ve been writing regularly about the time traveler since fall of 2020, when I discovered him on TikTok. Or, did he discover me and come back in time to make sure I discovered him? I’m not sure. I did have a DeLorean parked in my driveway there for a while, and that seemed suspicious for DoorDash.
Pay attention, lazy asses. You might learn something.
At any rate, the time traveler has provided me with many intriguing and humorous tangents over the past almost two years, and quite frankly helped provide me with entertainment and distraction during a time when I’d possibly otherwise want to throw my TV out the window because people have become so incredibly stupid that we have to babysit them in order for them not to believe ridiculous bullsh*t on podcasts. But not the time traveler. He’s a critical thinker. And a critical poster when it comes to relaying information that’s incredibly important to us during this time period, which he obviously enjoys visiting repeatedly because watching Charli D’Amelio dance the renegade on TikTok is so much more compelling than traveling back to the renaissance to watch Michelangelo and DaVinci compete to see who’s better at drawing Mayor McCheese.
This week, the time traveler let us in on a little secret: That Thursday, the Lost City of Atlantis was discovered.
Don’t bother looking for it in the newspapers, and don’t bother looking for it here on QuadCities.com, you won’t find it anywhere, because there’s been no official release of the story or information. The authorities are keeping it under wraps, according to the time traveler. But believe you him, Atlantis was discovered this week, and before long, the information is going to be revealed!
He loves bad bitches, that’s his f**kin’ problem.
Also according to the time traveler, it was discovered by three divers — none of whom was Steve Winwood — who went missing for the following two days after discovering it.
Apparently, they’ve been missing because the first encounters with the Atlanteans have been hostile ones. Probably because one of the divers dropped a gum wrapper in the ocean outside Atlantis, and while the first Atlantean to see it just stood there with a lone tear coming down his cheek, the others were pretty friggin pissed.
According to the time traveler, the divers will escape from the Atlanteans though and will tell everyone about them when they get back to the surface and people finish checking their urine test for drugs. Once determined that they maybe only had a couple of beers but nothing too heavy, the government officials will get involved, and the incident will be released to the public fairly quickly, probably through the Joe Rogan Experience, where the Atlanteans will talk about how you can cure covid through orgone pyramids.
At that point, William Hung, prompted by the time traveler, will emerge, to tell everyone that unless Joe Rogan stops giving a platform to the Atlanteans, he’s going to put all of his music on Spotify. Sales of orgone pyramids will plummet, Paula Abdul will get in trouble for saying that Dylan McKay should’ve chosen Kelly over Brenda, Whoopi Goldberg will shock the world by saying she’s going to convert to Scientology and change her name to Boning Schwartzman, and a DeLorean will show up in my driveway with the time traveler from 2485, Mayor McCheese and Charli D’Amelio, inviting me to go back to the renaissance to teach Cleopatra how to do the renegade.
And THAT is the story of how I met your mother.
But, unfortunately, on our way to doing that, we stepped on Bigfoot’s toe.
