From Time Travelers To JFK Jr, Is A Celebrity REALLY Going To Return From The Dead?
This week, Q-Anon followers discovered what it was like to be Elaine Benes.
No, not because they were denied harshly by the Soup Nazi. But because, much like the “Seinfeld” character, they were disappointed and jilted by their beloved John F. Kennedy Jr.
Unlike Elaine, they didn’t meet him at the gym and get beaten to bed by Marla the Virgin. Instead, they were left hanging in Dallas expecting him to return from the dead, and disappointed when zombie JFK Jr didn’t turn up.
Ya know, typical Tuesday.
At least for Q-Anon.
Apparently, there had been a rumor that turned into a movement on the popular social media platform Telegram that said that John F. Kennedy was going to return this week, revealing that he’d faked his death in 1999 and has been in hiding ever since. For some perverse reason, JFK Jr. was going to return in Dealey Plaza, where his father was assassinated in 1963.
After returning, JFK Jr. was going to make an announcement that he was using his power, whatever that was, to reinstate Donald Trump as president. At that point, Trump was going to say, “Thank you, thank you, but no, no, I can’t, I insist YOU become president,” at which point, Trump was going to name JFK Jr. as president.
Because, you know, that’s how a democracy works.
This just in: JFK Jr. is the exact type of randomedits1999!
I think we all remember that Schoolhouse Rock cartoon. The one where the little bill sings about how we select a president by having a celebrity who faked his death return to the spot of his father’s assassination to reinstate a former president who would then refuse and instead name the celeb who faked his death as president.
Catchy tune. I think Drake sampled it on his last album.
However, of course, as Q-Anon will do, when JFK Jr. didn’t show, they had a ready excuse. They said they had the dates mixed up, and instead, he’s going to be returning sometime early next year. Because, I don’t know, he got a bad haircut or something and is waiting for it to grow out.
The posts in Telegram also said that former national security adviser Michael Flynn would be named JFK Jr.’s vice president, making Trump the “King of Kings,” which sounds more like a commercial tag line for a malt liquor.
The Q-Anon folks ALSO believe that JFK himself is still alive, was saved from his shooting in Dallas in 1963, and has been hiding out undercover fighting the deep state ever since. And once JFK Jr. is president, his father, who would be, what, like 150 years old now or something, would be acting as his senior advisor. Emphasis on the senior.
The only celebrity who’s returned to jerk the chain of Q-Anon would likely be Andy Kaufman.
In addition, there are also several other celebrities who have been faking their deaths all this time, and they too will reveal themselves as alive when this whole JFK Jr. thing eventually happens (whenever he outgrows that bad perm.) Those celebrities will include comedians Robin Williams and Richard Pryor, NBA star Kobe Bryant, actress Debbie Reynolds and NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt. All of them will then perform at the JFK Jr. inauguration, and voice their support for his monarchy, er, presidency.
Oh yeah, and Tupac too.
Tupac too????
Yes, Tupac too.
Now, you may be asking yourself about this time, “So, Sean, exactly how long are the lines at the Milan Dispensary?”
And I’ll tell you, not that long, you can get in pretty quickly.
But in addition to that, you might ask, “How exactly do you know all of this important information? This must’ve taken some pretty intense investigative reporting and some incredible inside sources!”
And I’ll tell you, of course it did!
I only got my information from the most elite, clandestine, deep undercover, inside sources.
That’s right, several random dudes on Telegram channels with names like “Negative48” and “Whiplash347”, a Q-Anon numerologist, and a guy on Tik Tok claiming to be a time traveler!
For the last several weeks, Telegram channels such as “Negative48” and “Whiplash347” have been promoting the theory that JFK Jr. was going to be making his re-appearance at 12:30 p.m. Dallas time on Nov. 2. Almost a million followers had been checking in on the network for the predictions.
Michael Brian Protzman, a Q-Anon supporter who has more than 100,000 followers on the “Negative48” channel, said that he’s been confirming all of the facts of this situation through numerology. In addition, he also claims that the Kennedy family are part of the Merovingian bloodline, descendants of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. And I thought that was just Neo from “The Matrix.” (Could that be a plotline in the new movie??? Maybe JFK Jr is in the new Matrix movie??? Check out this special sneak preview of the new Matrix for clues!)
Listen, if you can’t trust a time traveler on TikTok for investigative reporting tips, well, who can you trust? Ladies and gentleman, I do not want to live in that world. No siree Bob!
And as if that wasn’t enough evidence, one of the many people on TikTok claiming to be time travelers backed up the claims, saying that they had come from the future and wanted people to know that a number of celebrities who faked their deaths were going to be returning over the next few months.
So who can blame the thousands of folks who showed up in Dallas on Nov. 2, cheering “God bless America” and “JFK! JFK! JFK!” at 12:30, waiting for him to appear, with Tupac and Dale Earnhardt in tow?
Alas, it was not to be.
The only thing the crowd got was rained on, as JFK and his bad perm blew them off.
After JFK Jr. did not mysteriously emerge, the assembled array of freakin’ lunatics — oh, sorry, that’s insensitive, I meant, disappointed unorthodox thinkers — began to say that instead, Kennedy was going to pop up later on that evening at a nearby Rolling Stones concert. As if the Rolling Stones themselves couldn’t be counted as among the walking dead.
Aside from zombie Mick Jagger, however, nobody emerged from the grave at the Stones show that evening. And thus began the story that, nope, wrong date, sorry, JFK Jr. was going to be coming back in the spring instead.
Now, of course, we’ll all look a little silly if, on some spring day in 2022, JFK Jr. drives on into Dallas, great new haircut and all, with his Dad, Robin Williams, and Richard Pryor all in tow.
However, perhaps, even going against the iron-clad reporting of numerologists, anonymous online dudes, and people claiming to be time travelers, some of us don’t believe that will happen.
But oh, just imagine the entertainment that will be provided once more, leading up to that moment. Why, there could be a whole bus of celebrities added to the story by then, and maybe even some robots and vampires. Maybe even Count Chocula and the Grimace, who will then be named to JFK Jr.’s cabinet?
We can only hope, my friends, we can only hope. And that hope will be the eternal flame that keeps us warm through this upcoming winter, that keeps our faith, keeps our dreams alive.
Until that magical time though, we’ve got the McRib, which did live up to its promises and reappeared this week at McDonald’s restaurants nationwide, to be named the “King of Kings Sandwiches” by none other than Mayor McCheese, who returned after faking his own death.
It’s there, believe me. After all, I’m on TikTok and I travel through time. Albeit one second at a time.
